Today, a little about me.

You probably know that Mouser is just my nickname. My real name, recognized by The Cat Fanciers’ Association, is Conyers Cat Harbor Hooligan. (Appropriate, really. I am a bit of a bomb-thrower.)

You have a birth certificate. I have official papers that look like an NCAA basketball tournament bracket.

My dad was CH Conyers Cat Tugboat Tommy. My mom was Kittikop I Luv Lucy of Conyers Cat. (These names are long and stupid because no two cats in the history of the association can have the same name.)

I live in the Atlanta area with my sister, Conyers Cat Portside Patty, also born late in 2008. She thought her name made her sound like a fat, tattooed waitress serving beer and shots to longshoremen.

So she became Muffie.

My career path was in flux early. For a while, I was being groomed to appear in cat shows, which are insufferable (surly cats and old ladies dragging around older men checking their watches every five minutes).

Luckily, I got too big, too friendly and too smart, so it was decided a place would be found where I could rule as a monarch.

Like Mel Brooks says, it’s good to be the king.

Muffie wanted to go into showbiz. We approached Cartoon Network with a show called “It’s Muffie, Starring Muffie as Muffie.” They were out of development money in the kid side, so they sent us over to Adult Swim.

The pitch meeting never happened. Everybody there was stoned.